Wednesday, 14 June 2017

One Man One Vote One Unga

You have not heard from Jukistopia for a while. Lucky you. Many things have happened in Jukistopia worth posting home about. But although the spirit has been willing, the wi-fi was weak. It still is so I will rush this.

In the runner up to the 1992 elections, there was a sudden maize shortage country wide. No crop failure had been reported. No crop failure could have been reported. Under the wise leadership of Mr. Moi, such things were reported by the wise man himself. And he did not until he did. When he did, it was at the right time and the right place. The roadside. This time the roadside was at Uthiru-koporishon.
One Wednesday, on Waiyaki way while on his way home from his house, after hitting the tenth pothole to the left, the twelve to the right and a couple in between, he figured he was at Koporishoni and parked his white Volkswagen kombi. Between the kombi and mama mboi's kioski, Masha, (his peers called him wa-ngara) was misty-eyed roasting maize on an NCC labeled dustbin cover for one shilling a cobfull. Em-O-1 ordered one piece, gave a one hundred bob note, did not ask for change, was not given change and walked to the kioski. At the kioski he ordered a bottle of coke soda and a kakungumu, gave a two hundred shilling note, was not given change, did not ask for change, and started addressing the crowd that had gathered.

Answering a question that had not been asked, and after threatening “hivi karibuni nita toboa….blah blah blah…” he revealed that some disgruntled elements working for and with their foreign masters were causing artificial unga shortage to disgrace the good, god, given government. The people ululated and urged him on; "toboa! toboa! toboaaaa!". When he was done with his tirade, Uthiru girls secondary got sh20,000 for nyayo milk, Uthiru boys secondary got sh2,500 for nyayo milk, and the people continued getting hungry or angry or both….whatever. Let me say people were getting restless. So the mtukufu, who then was referred to as ehm-o-one in hushed voices, summoned a full cabinet meeting. It was full house the following Thursday. Here are the names of those in attendance.
1.       Moi.
After thorough deliberations a solution to the biting maize shortage was found. The solution was so simple the cabinet was surprised he had not thought of it before. But would it work? The cabinet crossed his fingers. The solution was code named one man one vote one unga. The methodology was, depending on your region you either got a packet of unga plus a voting card or a packet of unga in exchange to your voting card. Come d-day, the results were as spectacular as they were surprising. In places where voters had sold-out their cards for unga, somehow they never turned up to vote, perhaps due to their full stomachs, while in places where voters had kept a packet of unga and vote, the turnout was up to a high of 110%, perhaps again due to their full stomachs. The cabinet made note of that. On their part, the election observers noted that though the election results might have been slightly influenced by maize flour, by and large they reflected the will of the people. The cabinet made note of that too.

Come the 1997 elections, how uncanny! There was another biting maize shortage and all the necessary noises about foreign masters. There was also something else. A cabinet meeting. A shorter cabinet meeting this time but that none the less delivered a devastating win.

Why all this pesa nane history? Well, It was not me who taught that, “A people without history is like a tree without roots”. It was Marcus Mosiah Garvey. With #elections2017 looming large, the prodigies of nyayo intrigue and chicanery did not need to visit the Sage of Kabartonjo. They have a mama for that. In any case the sage made sure they would never need to à la proverbs 22. (Train a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not turn away from it). Why redesign a wheel then when “Turnkey” is the new buzz word?

So, the young Turks turnkey maize solution was from the shelf activated lock, stock and barrel with a simple rationale. It has worked before, it will work now, it will work in future. I mean it is simple algebra of extrapolation (and digital logic). If from 0 to N is true then upto N+1 must also be true, right? Wrong!
It appears there is a bug in the solution. The barrel is spitting fire the wrong way.
It appears the bug in the Kenyan maize stalk has reached the Mexican maize stock. The bug is depleting the Mexican maize stock before the unga reaches the voter.

But these are tough boys who have handled worse personal challenges. They have wrestled with vultures and emerged triumphant. Will they now worry about ravens and crows? No. Nothing will stop another five years nyayoism inspired hegemony.




Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Digital Toilet Paper


A man bewildered at the meagre resources availed for his project
The recent surge of tourists into China has stimulated technological innovation. Case in point, the ‘Temple of Heaven Park’.  This place is extremely popular with foreign tourists. But it is popular with domestic tourist too but for a different reason. Toilet paper.

You see traditionally most public restrooms in China have not provided tissue. Instead, public toilet users are expected to carry their

Thursday, 23 February 2017

Saving The House By Setting It On Fire


The rays of the January midday sun pierced through the canopy of an acacia tree in Jukistopia. One ray fell on Mrs. Nthenge’s arm illuminating an insect-bite pimple the way a spotlight circles a performer on stage. Slumped on a stick-chair under the shade of the tree, she prepared to enjoy her meal of muthokoi. She would have preffered to be indoors following up on Afro cinema, but