Tuesday, 7 November 2017

52 million that wasn’t.

“I don’t know what Toto does with his money”. Bogi Benda, a mug of beer in hand, laments to his wife, Sofi. “He is always borrowing money from me. Today it was 10K last month it was 15K”.

With a half forlorn-half bewildered look Sofi responds “I agree that that is a lot of money. He should manager his money better.  Then she asks, “But does he pay you back?”

“Of course not”, answers Bogi. “I have never lent him any”. And he takes a major swig off his mug.
(this was a good place for chuckle cause the rest of the stuff is drab.)

Now it so happens that some Kirinyaga wheeler dealers want their money back. The whole ksh.52m of it? But from whom? From their Governess. The same one who made a billion vaporise at the NYS? Yes! Same one. But that is water under the bridge and irrelevant here.

This time, it so happens that one humid Tuesday afternoon, the Uhurists of Kirinyaga were summoned by their leaders led by the Governess - Okay. Governess is archaic so let us change that that Governoress -  the Uhurist of Kirinyaga were summoned by their governoress to Sifa Gardens in Mũcakuthĩ, Kirinyaga County in which venue a number of important proclamations were made.

  1. The Uhurists were told that the region has 351,000 registered voters but 48,000 of them did not participate in the August 8 polls. So this time ALL the residents of Kirinyaga had decided to ALL come out and vote.
  2.  Although the Uhurists had sworn to vote to the last person come the repeat elections on 26th October, the leaders had decided that they were not going to run a campaign that costs them nothing. So they, the leaders, had raised Sh51.9 million (enough to cover 1k per voter na 4.71m ya kutoa) for campaigns for re-election of and for H.E President Dr. Pst. Uhuru Esq, C-in-C, kenyatta,CGH,voter no.1.
  3. The money was to be used for roadshows and rice to lure voters for re-election of and for H.E President Dr. Pst. Uhuru Esq, C-in-C, Kenyatta, CGH, voter no.1.
But now a section of Kirinyaga county politicians have put Governoress Ann Waiguru, née Ani Mumbi, on the spot over the Sh51.9 million. They claim that the roadshows money was no-show. That the committee can only account for the Sh11 million that was received and deposited in the campaign account yet MCAs, MPs and other conmen pledged 52 million. Ani was not a signatory to the account. No. Two MCAs, an MP and an Uhurist from the HQ were. But they want poor Anni to explain anyway.

One Uhurists explains, “Only ten cars and a bicycle were branded.”  Adding “Rice was eaten during one roadshow at Wamũmũ, yes, but basmati, pishori or any rice for that matter is free in Mwea. This is a scandal.”  

When asked how much of the 52m million was his contribution the chief complainer retorted, “I did not contribute anything. But money was raised. 52 million of it. We want her to account for it.”

A resident has confided to Juskistopia the whole saga is a sideshow.

Monday, 28 August 2017

We shall eat meat as you salivate. Deal with it!

Mũndũ a vaa nĩ atige kwania ngai nda! (stop boasting to your god how full your stomach is).
You may have heard recently a man boasting that it was his turn to eat meat and the turn of others to salivate. Well, the hubris from one who feels he has ‘arrived’ is not new.
Sometimes back in the African Reserve of Kagaari North, it is said that there was a man who grew extremely rich. I mean, the fellow owned and ran a hotel!  A hotel where the menu-on-the-wall had six items; chai, mandaci, kafu, ndumbuiya, cavaci, tosti-mafuta. In comparison, the other two “hotels” in shopping centre, and all the others in neighbouring shopping centres, had two-item menus. Chai, mandaci. Now at Independence things were not exactly rosy in these parts. The populace had been uprooted from their farms and transferred to a village so that the colonialist could isolate the Mau-mau belligerents.  Once the war ended, the government had another headache - How to encourage people to go back to the shambas! An idea was mooted to reward the African who would resettle in the shambas, ‘fastest with the mostest’ i.e. build and relocate into the best house. People started building in earnest. The country side sparkled with iron sheets replacing thatched roofs on huts, mĩthonge, leading the neighbouring community, mbeti, to remark, “ĩĩ mwembu arumia mũcũngũ agũtumirwa nyomba ya ĩcaa, arũme!” (meaning after beating up the white man, the white man has built for the Embu’s iron sheet roofed houses). But our rich man had the means. In a jiffy he had built a timber house (actually they were offcuts) with a red concrete floor! He won the best house contest worth sh4000 and thus grew event richer.  The government mandarins stole less those days so when his reward money was released they dully stole half of it and gave him the rest. He received a whooping sh2000. Now that is what is called kuinuliwa. In his celebratory mood he is reported to have declared; “I have left poverty behind me by seven corners”. If you have run a cross country race you would appreciate what it means to be seven bends away from the next fellow in the race. For example from GPO to Yaya centre there is only 5 corners and GPO to Westlands is only 3 corners.
Though poverty never quite caught up with him, it did give him a run for his money.

What am I going on about?

Jukistopia tells me it is foolhardy for anyone to think that the country has left dictatorship, despotism and tyranny hehind ‘by seven corners’. We passed the 2010 constitution in a bid to entrench human rights and equity, to end tribalism and cronyism, to eradicate corruption and curtail abuse of executive power.  While all these maladies might never catch-up with us again, we can slip back to them. It is quite evident that the level of inter-ethnic intolerance is increasing and those wielding state power feel obliged to unleash it upon those they perceive as posing a threat to their monopoly of state resources.
It becomes all too easy to cheer when you are not on the receiving end of the music. But when the tables turn, the dance is not all that delightful. Therefore although one might not agree with what those being tear gassed stand for, let them be.

Thursday, 17 August 2017

Six Pillars of Raila Election Petition - 2017

It seems Jaromogi’s son does not live around here. Jukistopia that is. People have shrugged off serious stuff and casually walked out of court and you bother taking them there with hearsay. People who take impunity for breakfast and who can swallow a whole school compound, pap, and not belch require hard evidence not ati “polling lines were not gazetted”. Gazeti is for wrapping meat. These people do sh9.2 billion computer-typing errors and you insult them by saying that they added themselves a miserable 200 votes. Surely!

Long after the form 34s were fed into the IEBC servers and the final tally declared the vote count is still increasing on the IEBC database like a Nairobi Water meter that counts upwards daily whether there is water or not and all you can say is that there was a queue with more than the 500 people stipulated in law. Haven't you heard of aspirations or is it that you don't understand our Kenyan humour? Some laws are just aspirations, okey? Okay. Some laws are for, as reggae DJ would say, "to nice up the show". In country where you a meeting called for 9:00 a.m. starts at 12:00 noon, surely 500, 700 and 990 is the same number so stop splitting hairs.


The threshold of integrity is so low in this country that all the grounds the son of Bondo mentions can be termed frivolous and an abuse of the (supreme) court process. These are matters that can, intra vires,  be decided on by a Karengerere (village court presided by Headman). A first year ligation student can wade through them.