Friday, 14 December 2012

IEBC Wants Me to Stop Whining

What is a cliché?

A cliché is an expression, phrase or word that has been overused to a point of losing its original allure, meaning and effect, especially if earlier it was considered catchy.

Do you notice a cliché in this SMS I have just received from IEBC:

“Don’t just complain about bad leaders. Do something. Bad leaders are chosen by good citizens who do not vote. Register as voter to elect leaders of your choice”.

Clichés aside, IEBC assumes that among the lot, there lies a leader of my choice and that the leader is good? I like that. I also like their acknowledgement that there are some really rogue candidates in there.

Hypothesis: By registering and accepting to vote while well aware that the good leader is outvoted by the bad leader, am I legitimizing the selection of the bad leader?

Friday, 30 November 2012

Traffic (Amendment) bill 2012

This is how some parts of the act are being interpreted in Jukistopia.

Everyone who has been to a driving school and a driving test, in Nairobi, should not be surprised that there are so many accidents on Kenyan roads. For example, for class BCE, the training involves,
weka number mbili (engage second gear), take off, engage third gear, let the truck drift for five to eight minutes. Do this routine every day for 10 days and you are good to go.
At the testing it goes something like, 
“ondoa gari,..... weka number number tatu,.... simamisha, ngojea nyuma - umepita kijana sasa nenda ukajifundishe ghari. Negst! (take off, change to third and drive 30 metres, stop, you have passed, now go learn how to drive)
All police officers, I suppose AP too will be mandated to enforce traffic rules. Meaning no more looking out for the white cap before executing a maneuver that you wouldn't approve of.

I would have thought road transport is under Ministry of transport. So why should plates belong to KRA

..but can be valid regarding another?

If the vehicle is "on the rocks" you have to return the plates, or keeping paying insurance for the scrap, and I guess there will be a fee for returning them, in the prescribed manner, and a fee for redeeming the plates.
However surviving the the eight hours queue, extremely rude guards and clerks in the KRA banking hall will be the major challenge.

Attempting to drive! Read that as entering a vehicle while appearing to be from bar. Mark you, now it is all police watching, any cop without unga will only need to wait at a parking lot outside a place where there are noisy people inside and cars parked outside, and soon there will be sot attempting.

The key words to note here are NOT LESS THAN OR BOTH.
 I know you hate them and you feel like you could shoot one or two. But hey, half a million plus ten years in the can is a bit stip. You may not realise it, but the oaf is your brother, cousin, father or whatever. Which means as he cools porridge at Kodiaga, you will be taking care of his children.
and if you sincerely think it does not concern you, check what it say in number two.
So next time you have a wedding or any function where you are serving liquor, keep an eye on the hire driver.His cross is yours to carry.
And ff you run a bar, ask all patrons to produce their job ID.

Driving on the pavement is now allowed!

  1. You can drive through Agakhan walk as long as you are not avoiding traffic jam.
  2. If there is a traffic jam, and you go into a petrol station, you must go back the way you went in.

Am still trying to figure out what this means. If you find out please let me know. But I suspect a driver splashed water on someone who was making the rule.

Taxi cabs required to have a conductor

Even if you drive your own PSV, you must employ a driver and a conductor. A taxi cab or a tour van is a PSV therefore, there dare own one without employing a driver and a conductor too.

Does not matter what the facts are. Get them by any means.

Never assume that the waving fellow clad in a red shuka in the bush is greeting you. If he as much as makes any gesture, STOP!

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Police Deaths - The shame of 2012

This is straight from Utopia to Jukistopia via Oculus Sinister and Oculus Dexter. A quote from Charlies, WHAT OTHERS SAY,
Three or so years ago, there was an accident at an office complex that was being built in Kigali.
Two workmen died, and it emerged that the wealthy owner of the building, perhaps because he had powerful friends in the ruling Rwanda Patriotic Front (RPF), had not bought workman’s compensation.
A lone policeman was dispatched on a Saturday afternoon to go and serve the businessman with a summons to show up at a police station.
The policeman went looking for the rich man, until he found him at a funeral of a prominent citizen of Kigali.
The businessman was seated in the front row in a tent at the funeral, and on both sides very senior army officers of the Rwanda Army flanked him.
With all the mourners watching in mild horror, the policeman walked and served the businessman with the summons!
The big military officers gently told the policeman that it was “un-African” to serve summons at a funeral, and promised the policeman that they would present the businessman first thing on Monday morning at the police station.
The policeman walked away empty-handed... and promptly reported to his superiors that he had been outranked.
True to their word, the generals delivered the businessman to the police station on Monday. But it was also the end for them. They were thrown into prison.
The powers that be in Rwanda were outraged, and a Big Man there told me: “When a policeman serves you with a summons, even when you are in church or in bed, in Rwanda you must answer them immediately. The day we allow generals to countermand a police officer like that, however good their reasons, we shall begin a slide to lawlessness”.

Read the whole story here

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Betrayal In the City


Calamity in Jukistopia!

Francis Imbuga is gone.

Why is that a betrayal?

Because I have just finished drafting a speech that was to open with Doga's words

People say there were many of them, all marching in the same manner. Suddenly, the shooting broke out. People fled in all directions, but my son's lonely body lay in the middle of the street. Only four bullets were fired that day. Adika had four bullet wouds..

I wonder whether I will be using those words after all.
Catch part of the action in that book at

Monday, 29 October 2012


Somewhere between the two Ossicles, Ossicles East and Ossicles West is Jukistopia. Usually a sleepy place but sometimes wakes up to jot a few dreamy words here.
I wonder how you got here, but no matter, spend some time and explore this utopia than never is.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012

Mr. Bee

When he was born his mother named him Njũkĩ. She could have called him Mwaniki or Gĩcovi.
You see, he was named after her husband’s brother. Among his people, you do not call your in laws by name. Therefore you modify the name to one with similar background.
Njũkĩ is a bee, a bee makes honey that in turn is used to brew liquor.
Mwanki is the person who sets a bee hive. Closely associated is Mũthusi and Mũrori. He would have received any of those names.
Liquor handling is a virtue. A good tippler is called Gĩcovi, Kĩnyua and such endearing names.
The best liquor is made from honey so those three were suitable names for him too.

But they settled on Njũkĩ.
Mr. Bee