Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Nairobi Metropolitan Command

News reaching Jukistopia say that President Kenyatta has created a brand new Military command and christened it Nairobi Metropolitan Command (NMC).
According to the president, its mandate is to deal with the emerging security threats in the country.
What is the command?
According to the defense secretary, the command is "respond to the evolving security environment more effectively!" and not "polisi wote wakae kama raia!” "The police have the power to arrest and EXECUTE!" says she. Now you have it  so stop calling executions in police custody extrajudicial?

Be that as it may the senior Kenyatta had Anti-stock theft unit (Ngoroko) at Nakuru. Moi had the Recce squad at Highridge, Kibaki had AP at Embakasi. Jukistopia feels it is only fair that the lesser Kenyatta has NMC.

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Kenyans have their own way of doing their things

Jukistopia agrees with the government functionaries: There was neither a siege in Turkana, nor crashes in Mandera and wajir, nor Gangs engaging in daylight gunfights over Dandora dumpsite,  and nor clan fights in Moyale. These were only Kenyans doing things their way.

During the last elections we chose to adjust the integrity bar some considerable notches below par, obliterated the word impunity from our collective mind, and replaced it with “Kenyans have a way of doing their things”.

The heightened and open automatic weapon violence; the return of daylight robberies in the streets of our cities, are not the consequence of that choice , they are the cause.

Thursday, 26 September 2013

Westgate Mall Attack

Even just one person dying out of a cause that is not natural is already too many people dead. So when gun men estimated at 10 killed over 70 people at the Westgate mall Jukistopia was appalled. Yet the discordance in the available information is not helping Jukistopia come to terms with the tragedy by understanding the motives of the attackers.

Picture this;
Some reports say the gun men were Terrorist allied to Al Shabaab while others say Al Qaeda. I suppose that makes them lethal and merciless.
Some reports say they were heavily armed. Others say they had big guns. Which I interpret to mean they were equipped and ready for whatever they had set out to do.

Now I was never good in Maths so perhaps my calculation is wrong. If the death toll is 72 then it means on average each gunman’s payload was 7.2 fatalities.

In Jukistopia they keep feeling that killing (by shooting) was not the primary objective of these gunmen.

Friday, 5 July 2013

Replacement politician

The monkeys of Jukistopia have been taught to think, lie, steal and even play politics. Yet all they require as payment is bananas and pumpkins.

Once they are taught to cheat on their husbands and wives, Jukistopia will make a huge saving on their MPs salaries.

Thursday, 4 July 2013

Man Dela Interment

In Jukistopia people fight over the burial place only once someone is dead. That is when relatives of all shades come out of the woods to claim that the departed directed them to inter his remains in a certain way and place.

Down south, in the land of that great man Shaka, the family of Man Dela also called Man Diba wa Winnie something different is happening. The family is feuding over where to bury him while he is still breathing.

Tuesday, 14 May 2013

Why are we still Killing one another using Machetes

Jukistopia likes this guy. He says the Garissa murderers  are better than the Bungoma ones because they spray restaurants with bullets while in Bungoma they slice their victims. He calls it civilization. Jukistopia had never seen it that way before. Am impressed. In fact, ninaomba serikali iingilie kati and give the killers guns so that they can use less energy, make it snappy and disperse more miserable souls to their maker faster. And since a discussion is never quite complete without quoting hata Amerika, when Americans used Daisy cutters in Afghanistan and Iraq killing more people in one hour than were killed in Kenya in one month that was civilization.

Thursday, 9 May 2013

Waste not Want not

The Constitution of Kenya allows for up to twenty two cabinet secretaries (ministers and ministresses). What a pity the presidents are talking of utilizing only eighteen. That is wasting a constitutional grant. In Jukistopia this is how we would do it
  • ·         Create eighteen ministries and make everyone happy.
  • ·         Choose ministers for the eighteen ministries and make everyone even more happier.
  • ·         Choose two more ministers without portfolio and make everyone completely happy.
  • ·         Leave two slot as a bait to defectors and make jukistopia.

Thursday, 2 May 2013

A Good Lawyer

So much discussion has been happening in Jukistopia regarding the role of lawyers. Nonetheless, the indications are that A good lawyer should not have a soul. Good lawyers, defense or otherwise exaggerate, lie and scandalize their opponents and witnesses. All in the name of protecting the justice system as taught just before being called to the bar (a bar you just walk in and order, you don't wait to be called).

The only thing I can understand about a man or woman who kept a despot in power, helped protect ill gotten wealth until nothing can be recovered, and later kept the despot away from the gallows, is that he or she had no soul.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

Talk is Cheap, this you will learn when you face the test.

This quote came to jukistopia from The prayer is that jukistopia will never face the test.

......ensure your affirmation resides within your soul -
Feeding your focus and passion, making you happy and whole.
For they will not stop the talk, it is what they do best -
But talk is cheap, and this they’ll learn when they face this very test.
Talk is Cheap | The Official Julie Gichuru Blog

Friday, 19 April 2013

Margaret Thatcher

Poor memory is a bliss. How convenient it would be to forget the atrocities and repression perpetrated during the sunset years of the British Imperialism (passed the baton to American empire). Can you recall Northern Ireland, South Africa, Chile and Kenya among others? In Kenya in particular, the despot regime of the 80's was a symbiosis of the Kleptocracy that was the Moi regime and the knowledge economy of Margaret Thatcher.

In jukistopia the urge is to forget, but if you want to depress yourself, you can read more here

Tuesday, 16 April 2013

30% contracts for youth

The president has announced that 30% of government contracts will go to the youth.
Jukistopia, thinks we are over doing this pro youth thing. Beside it bordering on discrimination, it is sending the message to the younger generation that there is no place for elderly people in our society. The payback could be be immediate.
The first time Mr. Moi started preaching the youth doctrine, incidentally while selling his Uhuru project, old people started being burned in Kilifi and Kisii.

Wednesday, 27 March 2013

Kasaya Diaries: Iconic Novelist Prof. Chinua Achebe dies at 82

This blogger, +Christine Kasaya, puts well.  Kasaya Diaries: Iconic Novelist Prof. Chinua Achebe dies at 82:   It is impossible for an iroko tree to fall and the forest to remain quiet. So is it as the world mourns one of Africa's greatest ...

It surprises me that I read no longer at ease at a Nick Carter age while holding on to a James Hadley Chase. Such was the pull of that book on me. I particularly like the scene where Obi Okonkwo's financial status is taking a downward spiral. He comes up with the rule one switch one bulb. Meanwhile Sebastian, the house boy and Clara take the blunt of his frustration.

Thursday, 21 March 2013

Nominations 2013

Mr. Moi used to say that he wished to retire as president. Only there was no one suitable to replace himself with. Similary Uhuru could not find a suitable person to replace 'mbui his cousin.
Beth Mugo Quits Senator Race Over Health Concerns - Citizen News
While Raila would have really wished to see Oburu go. But you see there are very few people qualified to be Senators and the country has to run.

Monday, 11 March 2013

Two police officers killed in line of duty

Two Santa Cruz, Calif., police officers were shot to death Tuesday afternoon - the first time in city.

The story here

Friday, 8 February 2013

If it walks like a duck.....

“If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck”

So why is that in Kenya, Jukistopia and other places we like asking proof of everything. Shouldn't it be conspicuous when a public character has dipped a hand into the cookie jar,  has grabbed public land or has blood on the hands?

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

The Farmer and The Snake

Once in Jukistopia, a farmer’s son stepped on a snake. The snake in turn inflicted a fatal bite on the farmer’s son. Grieving over his loss, the Father intending to kill the snake, missed its head but cut off its tail. The snake in outrage went round biting the farmers animals. The farmer in endeavour to make peace found some honey and other sweet things and offered them to the snake. The Snake, slightly hissing, said: "whether I accept your gifts or not, there can no longer exit true peace between us; for whenever I see you I shall remember the loss of my tail, and whenever you see me you will be thinking of your son’s death."

Lesson learnt: No one completely forgets injuries while in the presence of him who caused them. Therefore be wary of some warlords pretending to be friends. The hatchet may be buried but it’s location is not forgotten.

Thursday, 31 January 2013

Martha Karua for President

Jukistopia incessant wish is that there would be more People thinking along the lines of this blogger.

Startups in Kenya: Martha Karua for President: With slightly over a month before the first general elections under a new constitution, I have assessed the candidates for Office of the Pre...

Tuesday, 29 January 2013

When the Empire sneezes...

In Jukistopia, there was a constant suspicion that Jukistopia is a subject of the American empire. It was partially confirmed by this essay found posted on a Primary School notice board.

Friday, 25 January 2013

Did we Learn From the 1988 Queue-voting?

Someone in Jukistopia said that, if there is anything history has taught us, it is that we learn nothing from history.

 I have jeremiad to all who have cared to listen regarding the coming elections. I have said they will be the worst elections since the 1988 ones. What has shocked me is that, two out of three people ask me what was wrong with the 1988 elections. When I say we voted by queuing behind the agent holding the picture of ones preferred candidate, they ask, What!?
Mlolongo voting is what they are popularly called. For those who did not know, the wise men of KANU, most of whom or their sons and daughters are seeking governor and senate seats, decided that there will be KANU elections before the general elections in that year.

Nothing strange about that.

The most transparent voting would be by queuing behind the agent holding the picture of your preferred candidate.


That wasn’t even the horrible part.

The abhorrent part was, in the queue-voting system KANU HQ was to declare unopposed those receiving 70% vote of the cast ballots.The obnoxious bit was that the list that ended up in Nairobi had a distant resemblance to the one at the school fields.

What a perfect way it was for chujaring (the elections were also called mchujo maeaning to filter or cleanse) the non KANU damu.

The lesson learnt or not learnt depending on where you stand was, to win easily, make sure the voter turnout is as low as possible. Disorganise the process.

For further reading search “Okiki Amayo”, “KANU displinary committee”, “Joseph Kamotho”,  “kanu stalwart”, “Peter Oloo Aringo” party discipline in 1990

on a lighter note because mlolongo and mchujo were being used interchangeably, until recently I thought that the two meant the same thing. I kept on referring to a queue as mchunjo. Panga mchunjo.

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

I am not to blame

In Jukistopia, this would not happen.
It is not.
It is in Kenya.
In 2012.

......ministers complain to the public that the government has failed to provide services, .............., lecturers complain that universities are producing half-baked graduates.....