Tuesday, 21 June 2016

Nairobi to Experience a four month cold spell

The Meteorological Department is in a class of its own. Not only can they predict that the weather will be unpredictable, they are able to predict the effects.  They have warned Kenyans to brace for the cold until end of August when they expect a raise – in pay not temperature and if they don’t, the wise weathermen and weatherwomen will extend the foul weather to September. Meanwhile they singled out the following for advice:

1.       The Young and the elderly – These are advised to keep warm by wearing heavy clothes. Weighing is free at any met station if one requires the service. This will keep the chill away to avoid respiratory diseases such as pneumonia and flu.
2.       Those living in poorly ventilated houses - Are warned that a charcoal burner can cause suffocation especially if placed under the bed. Therefore they must cook outside the house.
3.       The chief – Due to increased cases of people preparing meals outside, the weatherman predicts that there will increased cases of stolen ugali and or jikos/stove. The chiefs around Lavington west, also called by haters Gatina Kanungaga, in Kawangware are especially asked to be on the lookout for this vice.
4.       Hospitals - to lookout for increased cases of Malaria. Amos Quito is not keen on spending the night out in the cold, dark, night. He or she will want to share your cosy house and make a meal of you too.
5.       Travellers - Travellers using public transport will notice increased cases fellow passengers snuggling next to them even when there are empty seats all around. This should not necessarily be taken as an infringement of “my space” as guaranteed in the 2010 constitution (if it is not guaranteed it should be and so it is). The snuggling must be encouraged to save on heating costs and this brings us to maternities.
6.       Maternity -  It is predicted that these facilities will notice increased activity around October and November and therefore should anticipate a three month business boom in the period March to May 2017
7.       Fashion police – The #fashionwatch buffs are advised to consult a counsellor in advance. The streets lamenting on TV. See a doctor.
will be replete with women donning unwieldy boots, trench coats, and football stockings. If you are the kind to suffer PTSD due to such sights don’t wait to go
8.       Social etiquette police – It is predicted that the “eskimos” discussed in 7 above may want you to shake a dirty looking glove instead of a hand. Don’t take it personally. If a glove can get dirty the palm is worse.
9.       Undertakers – All undertakers and other morgue attendants must be vigilant. It is predicted that some days will be so cold it won’t be possible to differentiate the cadavers from the staff. To protect themselves from each other they must wear some identification, such as a very sensitive bell.
10.  Pastors and other men of the cloth – The forecast shows that people are more likely to sin. Not because the spirit is not willing, but because the flesh is cold. When the flesh is cold, then scaring them with fire and brimstone is not a deterrent at all.

11.   KRA – now that the statutory authority has been granted the moral authority to collect tax from proceeds of equity and iniquity alike, KRA must not celebrate too early. The forecast shows that the pole dancers, lap dancers and strippers in the ubiquitous albeit clandestine (though everyone knows where they are) strip joints will not be keen to take off their clothes. Ditto the K-street traders. It is also predicted that a number narcotic drug user and abusers will go mad in the cold weather. Collecting tax from a mad person might is not worth the effort.