Wednesday, 14 June 2017

One Man One Vote One Unga

You have not heard from Jukistopia for a while. Lucky you. Many things have happened in Jukistopia worth posting home about. But although the spirit has been willing, the wi-fi was weak. It still is still so I will rush this.

In the runner-up to the 1992 elections, there was a sudden maize shortage countrywide. No crop failure had been reported. No crop failure could have been reported. Under the wise leadership of Mr Moi, such things were reported by the wise man himself. And he did not until he did. When he did, it was at the right time and the right place. The roadside. This time the roadside was at Uthiru-Koporishon.
One warm Wednesday towards lunchtime, on Waiyaki way, while on his way home from his house, after hitting the tenth pothole to the left, the twelve to the right and a couple in between, he figured he was at Koporishoni and parked his white Volkswagen Kombi. Between the garbage and mama mboi's kiosk. Meanwhile, Masha, (his peers called him wa-ngara) was misty-eyed roasting maize on a dustbin cover labelled "NCC". In 1992, prices were changing by the hour. The day's price was one shilling a cob full. Em-O-one(M-O-1) ordered one piece, gave a one hundred bob note, did not ask for change, was not given change and walked to the kiosk. At the kiosk, he ordered a bottle of coke soda and a kakungumu, gave a two hundred shilling note, was not given change, did not ask for change, and started addressing the crowd that had gathered.

Answering a question that had not been asked, and after threatening “hivi karibuni nita toboa….blah blah blah…” he revealed that some disgruntled elements working for and with their foreign masters were causing artificial unga shortage to disgrace the good, god, given government. The people ululated and urged him on; "toboa! toboa! toboaaaa!". He did not elaborate. He bought some more roasted maize instead. When he was done with his tirade, Uthiru girls secondary got sh20,000 for nyayo milk while Uthiru boys secondary got sh2,500 for nyayo milk, and the people got hungrier or angrier or both….whatever. Let me say people were getting restless.

So the mtukufu, who then was referred to as ehm-o-one in hushed voices, summoned a full cabinet meeting to discuss the maize scandal issue. It was full house the following Thursday. Here are the names of those in attendance.
1.       Moi.
After thorough deliberations, a solution to the biting maize shortage was found. The solution was so simple the cabinet was surprised he had not thought of it before. But would it work? The cabinet crossed his fingers. The solution was code named one man one vote one unga. The methodology was, depending on your region you either got a packet of unga plus a voting card or a packet of unga in exchange for your voting card. Come d-day, the results were as spectacular as they were surprising. In places where voters had sold-out their cards for a packet of unga, somehow they never turned up to vote, perhaps due to their full stomachs, while in places where voters had received a packet of unga and a voting card too, the turnout was up to a high of 110%, perhaps again due to their full stomachs. The cabinet made note of that. General elections 1997 might just benefit from such statistics. On their part, the election observers noted that though the election results might have been slightly influenced by maize flour, "by and large they reflected the will of the people". The cabinet made note of that too.

Come to the 1997 elections, how uncanny! There were another biting maize shortage and all the necessary noises about foreign masters. There was also something else. A cabinet meeting. A shorter cabinet meeting this time but that none the less delivered a devastating win. mnnh... yes. there was also "by and large they reflected the will of the people" from observers.

Why all this pesa-nane history?
Well, It was not me who taught that “A people without history is like a tree without roots”. It was Marcus Mosiah Garvey. So roots. With #elections2017 looming large, the prodigies of the nyayo intrigue, chicanery and duplicity did not need to visit the Sage of Kabartonjo. They have a mama for that. In any case, the sage is quite is a fan of King Solomon and did put well to use Proverbs 22. (Train a child in the way he should go, and even when he is old he will not turn away from it).
The prodigies remembered the new Bretton Woods buzzword. Turnkey.

So, the young Turks activated off the shelf the tried and tested maize solution. The rationale was simple. It had worked before, it will work then, it will work in future. I mean it is simple of extrapolation algebra. If from 0 to N is true then N+1 must also be true, right? Wrong!

It appears there is a bug in the solution. The barrel is spitting fire the wrong way.
It appears the bug in the Kenyan maize stalk has reached the Mexican maize stock. The bug is depleting the Mexican maize stock before the unga reaches the voter.

But these are tough boys who have handled worse personal challenges. They have wrestled with vultures and emerged triumphant. Will they now worry about ravens and crows? No. Nothing will stop another five years a nyayoism inspired hegemony.

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